Authoress: “Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to the first annual heartbreaker croquet championship. That’s right, 5 of the yummyest lads in fanfiction are facing off on the croquet feild for the heart of the lovely mary sue!”
Mary Sue,blond, preppy, and bouncy : “Hiya everybody! I couldn’t decide who I liked best so we’re gonna have a contest!”
Authoress: “Due to the natures of some of the contestants we decided a physical contest was not a good idea. Thus the croquet championship. Ok! Let’s meet our contestants.
Contestant number one is straight from Star Trek Enterprise. Charles ‘Trip’ Tucker is a farmbred southerner. Slim and muscular this sweet faced lad can fool you into thinking him a country bumpkin. But don’t fall for it. He’s a starfleet chief engineer and Commander. Trip has passion for obscure horror movies.”
Trip comes out and picks up a croquet mallet. Mary Sue sighs.
Authoress: “Contestant number two is Legolas Greenleaf from Lord of the Rings. Legolas is an elven prince and expert archer. His hobbies include singing, walking on snow, and saving middle earth from the Dark Lord.”
Legolas comes out, puts his bow on the ground and picks up a mallet.
Mary Sue : “Leggy!”
With a slightly freaked out look Legolas shuffles closer to Trip.
Authoress, Ignoring Mary Sue: “Contestant number three is another Trekker, this one from Star Trek Voyager. Lieutenant Tom Paris comes from a family of Fleeters. He’s the Chief Pilot on Voyager, currently lost in the Delta quadrant. Although he’s been to jail for joining a ‘terrorist group Tom’s loyalty, once earned, is virtually unshakeable.Tom loves flying, playing pool and flirting.”
Tom saunters out and Mary Sue drools.
Authoress: Contestant number four is Spike from Buffy the Vampire slayer. Spike is also known as William the Bloody, he got hid nickname by torturing his victums with railroad spikes. Spike’s a vampire who enjoys blood, death, the sex psitols, manchester united and dogracing. He loves his insane Sire Drusilla dearly and enjoys a good fight. Spike has killed two sires in his err-death.”
Spike stalks out glaring at everyone, black leather trenchcoat flowing behind. Mary Sue swoons.
Authoress: And last but certainly not least we have Contestant number five. Commander Chakotay is the First Officer aboard Federation Starship Voyager. This former Maquis is known as the ‘Mystic Warrior’ and keeps with his tribe’s ancient beleifs. He takes his duty aboard Voyager very seriously and has great dimples when he smiles.”
Legolas, Spike and Trip look to Tom for affimation and he nods. Chakotay had great dimples.
Chakotay comes out, smiling, completely oblivious to the speculation about said smile. Mary Sue cheers.
Authoress: “ Now, here are the rules. No fighting.”
Spike: “Awww.”
Authoress glares at Spike : NO fighting. You will go in order of the colours on arrangement on the stick. To start you will hit the stick with the mallet to send your ball through the hoop. With me so far?”
All nod.
Mary sue: “Oh this is so exciting!”
Authoress rolles her eyes: “Send your ball through the hoops in order, they’re labeled. If you get the ball through the hoop you get to go again. Winner is the first person who gets their ball through the last hoop and hits the stick behind it . That person will earn the title of Mary Sue’s favorite. Any questions?”
Tom : “Yeah. Why are we fighting over her?”
Points to Mary Sue who is perched on a bench busy blowing a bubble with her gum. All the men look at her and then each other. None of them had an answer.
Spike: “Hey I know a great bar right down the road. What say we ditch this ‘croquet’ grab a coupla drinks and some pool.”
Trip: “Fine by me.”
They all nod.
Tom: “Hey authoress wanna come?”
Authoress: “I’d love to.”
Mary Sue stands indignent, hands on hips as they stroll away.
Legolas turns to Chakotay: “What is ‘shoot some pool’?”