Tom looked down at the food on his tray and felt his stomach lurch. He was in no way hungry nonetheless he gave Neelix a weak smile as he accepted his lunch. He knew Neelix would notice if he skipped lunch as well as breakfast and didn�t want to reveal the condition of his rations. He�d have to replicate something soon, anything to hide the fact that he hadn�t been using them. Then he had a thought. Or maybe he could trade them for extra water rations. Correction. He could get Harry to trade them for him. No one would trade with the Traitor. He found a space on a table out of Neelix�s sight and sat down, beginning to play with his food, shoving it around his plate. As soon as he sat down everyone moved to another table. Nothing like Tom Paris avoidance to make people bond. Tom thought wryly as he watched his crewmates crowd together to leave all the seats near him empty. Perversely he decided to take a long time, just to inconvenience them all.
�You do it on purpose don�t you? You like to be a burden. You get into trouble just to annoy me.�
Tom clenched his jaw. He didn�t. Really, he never meant to get into trouble. Trouble just seemed to follow him. Moving quickly he dumped his tray in the garbage and raced out of the mess hall doors, ignoring Neelix�s queries on how he liked the food, he must have since he�d eaten it so quickly. �Huh, must be late for something.� Neelix mused to himself.
Tom rested his hands on his sink, unable to control his shaking. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. He should have more control than this, he couldn�t fall apart in public like that. He should know better. �Computer what�s the time?�
�It is 0600 hours.�
Damn, an hour until his shift. He had to find something to do until then. Then the perfect idea came to him. If the gym was empty he could use that, blow off some steam. �Computer is there anyone in the gym?�
�Affirmative.�
Maybe he�d get lucky, maybe it�d be Harry or something, �Who?�
�Lieutenant Besta, Ensign Vorik, Lieutenant Ayala, and Commander Chakotay.�
�Damn.� Oh well, he�d just have to work out in his quarters. He could do push ups and sit ups at least.
�1,032, 1,033, Computer time.�
�0646.�
Tom nodded, �Right, I best shower before I go on duty.� He scrambled to his feet, arms aching. Nothing like a thousand push ups to distract him.
Freshly showered and dressed Tom hurried to the bridge. He couldn�t wait to start his shift, the only time he felt at peace was in the pilot�s chair. It had always been that way. Everything was right in the world as long as he got to fly. Just him, the ship, and the stars. Perfection. He was free to soar and share in the beauty that was Voyager. Her magnificence made up for his inadequacies. And she loved him. He knew most people would consider it insane to attribute an emotion such as love to a starship, but he knew that it was true. Voyager loved him, and he was never complete except when dancing with her.
Chapter 2